


I will come home to you, so don't turn out the lights yet

by Velocity_Owl87



Series: Finding Our Way Back [2]
Category: Captain America (2011), Marvel (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Always-a-girl!Steve, Anxiety, Awkward Conversations, Depression, Genderswap, Kid Fic, Multi, Reconciliation, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-11
Updated: 2012-07-11
Packaged: 2017-11-09 16:17:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/457477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velocity_Owl87/pseuds/Velocity_Owl87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steph is almost overwhelmed after Bucky's departure and the daily care of their son. It all comes to a head, but Clint and Phil end up being their practical selves, keeping Steph's sanity until Bucky comes home and they have to decide how and when to start again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I will come home to you, so don't turn out the lights yet

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to "Trying to find my way back to you" in which Steph faces the realities of dealing with a child by herself, while Bucky's away and trying to get back to his family. I wanted to show how Steph would be in regards to her child, dealing with her own fears and the complicated feelings her and Bucky have for each other. Some of the things mentioned happened, or are culled from stories I have heard regarding baby care and medicines. Linden Water really is a remedy for colic and calms babies down. Trufax. So yeah...

One  
  
She smoothed the crumpled note and read the simple sentence again, even though she had already committed it to memory already. It hadn’t been that long since Bucky had been pulled away, but it felt like an expanse of years had passed. All she wanted to do was sleep, sleep until he came back to her and they could start the aborted journey to being a family again.  
  
Maybe when he returned, she would stop feeling so distant from her own son. She didn’t understand why she felt so apart from James. She wanted to feel the same love and warmth that she felt towards his absent father, but it wasn’t coming. If anything, she was starting to grow to resent him.  
  
She didn’t feel like herself after the painful birth (stitches and blood and other horrific things she would much rather not think about ever again) and now, with James latching onto her as a source of nourishment, warmth and life…she wasn’t any closer to getting there. She wasn’t anything more than a milk dispensary and her body wasn’t her own.  
  
It was changed and altered in so many different ways that she hadn’t expected or been warned about and most days, she felt like crying and not getting out of bed.  
  
But James’ squalls and snuffles from his bassinet right next to her bed always assured that she would get up and pick up him to nurse right away. It was then that she’d fully wake up and start the day of taking care of James and trying to not think about how much she missed Bucky.  
  
She had dossiers to work on, since she was good at schematics and planning and that was always in demand, but James had suddenly turned colicky and had an ear infection on top of that. So she was behind and at her wit’s end on top of that.  
  
And all she could do was worry whether Bucky was still alive and whether he was going to come back or not. She couldn’t contact him, no matter what her clearance and no one could do it either. She had no way of knowing and even though she was well aware he could take of himself…it didn’t stop her from worrying on top of everything else.  
  
So she walked James up and down, jiggling him until he was quietly snuffling. She put his drops in and walked him some more until she was just exhausted.  
  
That was how Phil found her when he dropped in with some groceries and diapers that he was sure she would need.  
  
Steph was sitting on the couch, James held against her chest and tears silently rolling down her face. Her blouse was buttoned up haphazardly and the place was a mess. But at least the baby was quiet and clean and was sleeping.  
  
Phil’s sighed and pulled out his cell. He was going to need some help with this one.  
  
Two  
  
“How is she now?” Clint asked as Phil opened the door to Steph’s brownstone with one hand, while he held a whimpering James against his chest.  
  
“Sleeping. James has colic and hasn’t stopped crying since I got Steph into bed. No wonder why she was nearly psychotic. I can ‘t even imagine when it was the last time she got some sleep and time to herself.”  
  
Clint nodded and stepped inside, closing the door with his foot as he went into the wrecked kitchen to put away the supplies that Phil had asked him to bring.  
  
“Keep walking him, that’s the only remedy that works on colicky babies until I get some linden water ready here. I’ll take care of everything here. Peek in on Steph if she’s up. She needs to eat. If she’s not, then I’ll take care of it once I’m done here.” Clint rattled off the instructions as he took off his jacket and hung it up on a hook before he rolled up his sleeves and started to tackle cleaning in Steph’s apartment.  
  
Phil nodded and did as he was told, jiggling James slightly as he paced the entire length of the living room that he had cleared earlier. He did this until he lost track of time, only occasionally peeking into Steph’s room to see that she was still asleep. He frowned at this, since he knew that if she slept any longer, it would be a sign of something else wrong with her.  
  
And he dearly hoped that she wasn’t suffering from post partum depression. She didn’t seem to have all the signs of it, since James wasn’t neglected. But the baby was clinging to him a little too much. He didn’t think that Steph had neglected him at all, but he also didn’t think that she had bonded as strongly as she would have if Bucky had been at home.  
  
He looked down and saw that James had stopped the low level whimpering and was now sucking on his thumb. He smiled at that before heading towards Steph’s bedroom, only to see Clint and Steph talking in quiet murmurs as Steph slowly ate some soup that Clint had whipped up. Although she looked sad, she was eating and talking to Clint.  
  
She also lit up quite a bit when Phil came inside with James and handed him to her.  
  
Phil caught Clint’s eye then and both watched as Steph took her son and soothed him to sleep, kissing the top of his head and murmuring to him.  
  
Phil found Clint’s hand in his and he had to admit that he wasn’t sure who had reached out to whom, but he had to admit that he needed that touch and that assurance. Especially after seeing that Steph would hopefully be okay after all.  
  
Three  
  
Bucky had just settled himself into position and taken the shot when Natasha tells him to head back to New York. He didn’t question the orders and only gathered up his gear, changed into civilian clothing and headed to their transport.  
  
He was trying to not be nervous about the return, but after falling off the grid as quickly and as deeply as they had…he couldn’t deny that he was horribly nervous. He had left before James was even a day old and had only intermittent reports from Coulson and Clint about his and Steph’s health. The last report had come almost two months ago and it had been so cryptic that it had made him push harder than before for a ticket out home fast.  
  
It still hadn’t come out fast enough and he had decided he was simply done with the missions. Once James was old enough, they would figure out something, but he was determined to not ever have Steph or James be used as leverage against him for a networks mission ever again. There was simply no way that he was going to miss out chunks of his son’s life to take a life.  
  
Those were the thoughts that were swirling around his head as they touched down to New York. He gathered up all his belongings and cabbed it to the brownstone that he had, in such a short time, learned to call home.  
  
He also hoped that it was still his home. His leaving Steph, no matter how unintentionally, had hurt her badly. This second departure, even with a good reason could realistically spell out the end for them. He wasn’t blind to the implications and he had to admit that he was relieved his key worked. He entered the brownstone and was surprised to see Clint sitting with James and a gun pointed at his head. He could hear voices and he was sure that they belonged to Steph and Phil Coulson.  
  
“Finally dug yourself out of your hole?” Clint asked, lowering the gun while Bucky dropped his bags and kept his hands up just in case Clint decided to shoot him.  
  
Bucky didn’t say anything to that. What could he say?  
  
Clint only shook his head as he walked over and handed James over carefully, hovering in case the baby started to cry. But to Clint’s consternation and Bucky’s inner amusement, James studied Bucky in silence for a few moments before breaking out into a gummy grin and grabbing at his father’s face while burbling with delight.  
  
Although he was amused, he was relieved at his son’s reaction; since he was worried that his appearance would make James fuss and cry. They hadn’t had much of a chance to bond and he knew it could happen. He still remembered that his own father had taken painstaking steps to bond with him in his long ago and barely recollected childhood and he vowed to do the same with James.  
  
“Guess he knows his father.” Clint muttered as he walked into the kitchen, with Bucky following him after adjusting James in his arms.  
  
“Look what the cat dragged in.” Clint announced, nodding his head at Bucky. Steph stood up and went to him, but despite the smile and the embrace, her eyes were vacant and cold.  
  
“So you’re back.” Was all she said through barely moving lips. If Bucky hadn’t known better, he would have said that she had been frostbitten. She was acting as if she was frozen. But Bucky knew that it wasn’t a physical freeze she was suffering from and he worried, for the first time whether he would be able to thaw her out now that he was back.  
  
“For how long this time?” Phil asked, getting up and moving towards Clint who got the hint and was moving towards the door.  
  
“Hopefully he’ll say till tomorrow at least.” Clint snarked, making Steph’s head jerk in his direction. She looked like she wanted to say something, anything.  
  
But she remained silent and walked into her bedroom and closed the door.  
  
They all heard the next sounds, but they pretended that they didn’t.  
  
“We’re going now. To give you time to fix this mess. And you’d better, because she deserves better than what you have recently given her. And if you can’t give her that, it’s better you stay away and let her find someone that will.”  
  
Four  
  
He knocked on the door, but got Steph telling him she just needed some time and in the meantime, to take care of James. Bucky wasn’t offended at all for the distance and the command to take care of his son. After all, he figured that he owed her that much after being AWOL for almost four months of his son’s life.  
  
So he did as he was told and he fed and played with James as he had done with his younger siblings, grateful that the old knowledge never really left him despite all the years and the distance between those memories and now. He also enjoyed the opportunity to actually look at his son and see the changes that had taken place.  
  
James has his hair and he had to admit that he was disappointed, since he hoped for him to be a replica of Steph. But his eyes were hers as were his mouth and the hint of cheekbones under the baby fat. He was a big baby and looked healthy and he was glad of that. He never could quite quash the fear that he would be as sickly as Steph had been and that the serum’s effects hadn’t been passed down. But they had and he once again regretted having to disappear and miss watching James grow from newborn to infant.  
  
He didn’t dwell on it thought. There wasn’t any point, since it was all done. He just hoped to be there for the rest of his son’s life at least.  
  
After that bit of moroseness, he managed to get a bottle of formula into James, burping him and walking him until he was finally tired enough to put down to sleep. He went into the nursery, but to his surprise, the crib was made up, but unused.  Which meant that the bassinet was in use and said item was probably in their room.  
  
The room that Steph had just barricaded herself in.  
  
He would have laughed, but he figured that wasn’t the appropriate reaction at that point in time. Not if he wanted an especially angry Steph Rogers coming at him once he put James down.  
  
He debated the merits of making the crib up again versus sleeping in the chair the whole night, but James’ whimper at being put down on the changing table for a minute changed that. There was no way that was going to happen.  
  
“Suck it up Barnes. For the sake of the kid and Steph. Suck it up.”  
  
Five  
  
Steph had stopped crying awhile back and was now lying on the bed, curled up on her side. She knew that she just needed some time to cool down and talk to Bucky. It was everything at once: giving birth, healing,  James being sick, her own fear of being a bad mother, and missing Bucky. It had all been legitimate, all of her fears and pressures, but the extra hormones had made everything spiral out of control. That and being alone to deal with a baby.  
  
She thought she was ready. To be a mother and a superhero and all that came with the territory. She had known, that Bucky would have to leave for missions. She just didn’t expect for him to be called out of retirement so soon. Nor did she expect for him to be gone for so long.  
  
“You still don’t trust him to come back, no matter how much you love him.” Clint had explained that day when everything had just made her snap.  
  
“How do I deal with it, then?” Steph had asked him as he had handed her a much needed bowl of soup and companionship.  
  
“You remind yourself it’s part of the job and make the choice to either accept it, or leave it all together. But that’s something that you have to talk to him about. But that can wait until Bucky comes back and he will. He’s not going to risk losing you now that he has you. He loves you, don’t doubt that. Now eat up. You and James need to regain your strength. So eat up.”  
  
The conversation was over, but it gave her food for thought for later conversations, since Phil and Clint had decided to adopt her and James until things had stabilized enough. It was a godsend, having  Clint help her figure that one out and put it all in perspective, while Phil had helped by just being there and being his practical self.    
  
She smiled slightly as she rolled over onto her back. She propped herself up and looked at the clock and swore softly at the time. Although she wanted to be alone, she didn’t want to sleep in a separate room from her son. Even if he was with Bucky.  
  
She rubbed her eyes and went to the door to fetch her son and found herself facing a shocked Bucky and a sleepy James. She let out a soft squeak at the sight and made Bucky laugh quietly.  
  
“I guess we both had the same idea.” Bucky whispered as Steph stepped aside to let him into the room and settle James into the bassinet. She watched as Bucky tenderly tucked the soft blankets around his son and stroked his head, the tenderness making her heart clench painfully.  
  
He straightened up and made to leave when Steph put her hand gently on his flesh and blood arm.  
  
The look on his face was blank until Steph moved closer until he was able to embrace her. All the while she was doing this, her eyes never left his face as she watched for his reaction.  
  
“I’m not doing wetworks anymore. I won’t get manipulated into anymore missions and they know that now. It’s not fair to either of you to put you through that uncertainty.”  
  
Steph nodded and wrapped her arms around his neck, while Bucky tentatively put his hands on her hips, which he noticed had gotten rounded and softer after James’ birth.  
  
“Just like it’s not fair to punish you for my unfounded fears.” She whispered.  
  
Bucky nodded and bent forward to place a chaste kiss on Steph’s forehead.  
  
“So is this another start?”  
  
Steph smiled.  
  
“Possibly. Now close the door.”  
  
END.


End file.
